


In The Throes Of Passion

by Yug_beom



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Husbands, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-26 22:34:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30113058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yug_beom/pseuds/Yug_beom
Summary: Jaebeom and Jinyoung face the challenges of marriage as they walk through a difficult path in their lives. The question is, will they overcome it? Or will it shatter their precious bond?-'In the heat of the moment when the emotions overwhelmed them and they could no longer see eye to eye, they'd both flare up in anger as they struggled to make the other see or feel an ounce of what they felt, then he'd see it, that look that Jaebeom gave him as though he wasn't the same Jinyoung anymore.'
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 18
Kudos: 84





	1. Depth of my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Kindly stay tuned for the two remaining chapters and please leave your thoughts below, thank you.

He heard the door open and close quietly as Jaebeom shuffled into the apartment.

The time on the night clock read 13:40 am and he didn’t sigh like he usually did when Jaebeom lost track of the time and worked until the early hours of the morning. He didn’t scoff or feel annoyed or even had a remote urge to attack him with questions demanding an explanation.

Because he’d already gone through those notions, one after the other, all that was left now was a numb feeling that allowed no emotions to have an adverse effect on him any longer.

His mind and body simply couldn’t handle it anymore. He was tired of everything and he knew Jaebeom was too.

He saw it in the way he looked at him like they were once star crossed lovers that met their inevitable demise, having thrown themselves at each other, yearning to be close, molded in one and lost in the throes of passion and love, igniting the flames around them that in turn held them hostage, burning out every last bit of understanding that they had of each other, until they were scarred from the inside out and could no longer face the other.

Jaebeom’s eyes were now distant and sometimes cold.

In the heat of the moment when the emotions overwhelmed them and they could no longer see eye to eye, they’d both flare up in anger as they struggled to make the other see or feel an ounce of what they felt, then he’d see it, that look that Jaebeom gave him as though he wasn’t the same Jinyoung anymore.

He wasn’t the Jinyoung that he’d been friends with throughout both their primary and high school years, he wasn’t the Jinyoung that went to a separate college but made the effort of seeing him every weekend just to ensure that they never felt too far away from each other, he wasn’t the Jinyoung that took a risk and asked him out despite his own insecurities but had known that he was still questioning his sexuality at the time, he wasn’t the Jinyoung that was there for him in his highs and his lows and he wasn’t the Jinyoung that had said yes when he sank on his knees and asked for his hand in marriage. That’s the way Jaebeom looked at him now as though he wasn’t his Jinyoung anymore and he hated it.

The light from the corridor shone in their room when Jaebeom finally entered.

He closed his eyes and tried his best to shut out his presence from his mind to get enough sleep, but like it always was he was painfully aware of his every movement, his every sound, every twist and turn as he undressed and entered the shower. That to him became a fixed torture that at first hadn’t been a torment in his eyes, but a worry that he deemed necessary as Jaebeom was his life partner, his husband so he’d be concerned if he wasn’t worried about his whereabouts, his health, if he got ample sleep, did he eat that day? How was he feeling in that moment? It was like that, it made him always aware of his presence allowing him to gauge and assess him the way he knew how to. But now that they’ve gotten to this point he wonders if he had stifled him. Had everything simply been too overwhelming that Jaebeom had to take a step back from them? He doesn’t know anymore and frankly on some days he doesn’t want to know. He just wishes that he could let go of this torment now. He wants to go into his bed at eleven and sleep at eleven without lying there like a broken piece waiting for his other half. But he can’t even if he wants to because he’s already used to this. When Jaebeom isn’t there beside him sleep no longer befriends him and he lays there and stares off until the familiar presence joins him on the bed.

He hates that now.

When Jaebeom is done and he would make his way to the bed that’s when he feels as though something has truly shattered between them. Jaebeom would always snake his arms around his waist, sometimes not saying anything to disturb the quiet of the night, other times whispering soft words to him to make him sleep or even to plant soft kisses on his neck and shoulders as he wrapped him in his arms because he knew that he was waiting on him all the while. Now this Jaebeom doesn’t do that anymore. He feels this Jaebeom crawl in beneath the sheets and turn his back to him and before long this Jaebeom is fast asleep.

It doesn’t make him cry anymore.

He simply closes his eyes and waits for sleep to befall him.

Because this Jaebeom isn’t his Jaebeom either.

***

He makes breakfast quietly as he is already dressed for work. Jaebeom comes out and mutters good morning as he starts on the coffee.

They don’t say much else to each other these days, he supposes it’s because neither of them wants to fight because that’s all their conversations leads to, so they keep quiet and move about the kitchen in relative silence.

He looks over at him as Jaebeom pours the two cups. Exhaustion is evident on his face as he concentrates on the task at hand.

Before the mere thought of an overworked Jaebeom would have him cooking up a storm, then he’d find Jaebeom’s favorite animes although he wasn’t a fan of them himself and he’d lined them up, one episode after the other to watch, then he would call Jaebeom over and it would be his turn to snake his hands around that slim waist squeezing firmly and lovingly as he nuzzled his nose in Jaebeom’s neck, then his hands would move to massage Jaebeom’s broad shoulders and Jaebeom would throw his head back as he stifled a moan. He’d take the initiative then to kiss his neck slowly, dragging his tongue across as he took tiny licks. The taste of salt on Jaebeom’s skin would rush to his head and override his senses and he’d bite him there on that same spot, again and again, that’s all it took for Jaebeom to release his moan as he bit his tongue between his teeth. Then he’d turn him around in his arms and Jaebeom would grin wide at him, adoration and love full in his eyes. That’s all it took to move them to the bedroom and there they’d get lost in each other with him taking the lead as he took care of his husband.

When that was done they’d move to the food that he took his time to prepare and settle in front of the television where he’d cuddle Jaebeom in his arms.

Jaebeom, they both knew needed that care, that attention, it was both a physical and emotional need often times to calm his racing mind that shouldered so much in his daily life, and the other times it was simply the way Jaebeom wanted to be loved, to be taken care of because he was so used to being the one that took care of others and he, Jinyoung was willingly to care for him in that way because he’d long since accept that that was the way he was too, built to give love in that seemingly selfish way in which he would give and give everything that he had because he wanted to and he was so happy to. So when it came to Jaebeom it had been a perfect balance where he was willing to give and Jaebeom was willingly to take.

But now as they stood there in their kitchen on a Tuesday morning, with a physically exhausted Jaebeom and him an emotional mess, he isn’t sure how much of him Jaebeom would accept anymore and quite frankly he doesn’t know how much of him is left to give.

Jaebeom placed the cup of coffee next to him after filling it. He mutters a thank you and Jaebeom nods without saying anything else. It is only as they’re both seated at the island with their plates before them did Jaebeom break the silence.

“I received a confirmation email this morning from our Anniversary planner. She got the days we agreed on.”

Jaebeom’s face was neutral as he relayed the message, but he on the other hand paused from his eating at those words. Prior to the disaster of arguments and fights that fell on them the two had planned to celebrate their second anniversary a bit extravagantly this year as they did not get to do that in their first year due to ordinary mundane circumstances around work.

So rather than just dinner at a fancy restaurant in Seoul they decided to go back to where they got married in New Zeeland. It was Jaebeom that had suggested New Zeeland as their wedding destination as they could not get married freely in Korea. So they booked a wedding package that allowed them stay in a luxury hotel, then they joined hands in matrimony overlooking a beautiful scenery at the mountainside with only their close friends and families as witnesses. It was all so lovely that he’d often smile at the memory and Jaebeom would usually refer to it as their time in Heaven because not only were the actually getting married and not only did they go into sex frenzy where they simply couldn’t get enough of each other, it had been a time and place where they were able to be free.

Free from judgement of any sort.

As they strolled down the mountain side they were able to hold hands, kiss and stare at each other for as long as they wanted to, because no one else cared to bat an eye at them.

Here though they couldn’t do that. Korea was too much of a conservative society to yet take that step.

So to enjoy that outside freedom again, although they had no problem with the way they were living in their home country, they decided to go back to New Zeeland for their anniversary. The thought was exciting and it was something that they both looked forward to at the time when they started discussing it, so they planned accordingly and ensured that they would both be off from work right in time.

But all of that was before.

Before all the fighting.

Now he couldn’t tell as Jaebeom looked at him with a face that he couldn’t read if he still wanted that. They were currently going through so much that he couldn’t see how they could just swallow it all and pretend that nothing was happening while they held hands and kissed as though they haven’t spent the entire month fighting. He didn’t know about Jaebeom anymore, but he certainly didn’t want to entertain such behaviors while he was literally withering away inside. The thought too of tainting such a pristine place with their toxic energy didn’t sit well with him especially given that it was the place where they created such beautiful and important memories. He didn’t want to taint it, to take away from something so good, but at the same time there was no way that he didn’t want to go too. Jaebeom is his husband after all and he would always love him to the ends of the earth even if it means loving him alone, even if he’s the only one left loving between them.

They made a vow to stand by each other through thick and thin, so regardless of if Jaebeom may be forgetting that, he doesn’t. In spite of everything, every twist and tumble, every tear that he’s shed, the sleepless nights that he’s had, that part of him that he gave to Jaebeom regardless of what they were or what they become, that part of him wants to try and hold unto him and never let go.

So he asks him, although he dreads the answer.

“Do you still want to go?”

He looks over at Jaebeom just in time to see the confusion flash across his face before it morphs into irritation that could be heard in his voice when he says,

“I didn’t know we were putting it up for debate now!”

He narrows his eyes in irritation and snaps at that.

“Oh really? You could fool me.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I just said!”

“Oh so now celebrating our anniversary is questionable?”

Jaebeom’s voice flared in anger now. He doesn’t back down though.

“Oh believe me it’s no question to me but I sure as hell can’t speak on behalf of you.”

“Fuck you Jinyoung, why the hell would I even question that after we’ve planned it for so long?”

“Well I don’t know, like I said I can’t speak on behalf of you and with the way you’ve been acting lately how the hell am I supposed to know what you would or won’t do!”

“How I’ve been-….You know what I don’t need this.”

Jaebeom said as he starts to get up. “It’s too early and I have better things that I could be doing right now.”

Those words only stir the anger inside of him more.

“Well if you have such better things to do with your time, stop doing this.”

Jaebeom turns to look at him with cold eyes as he waits for him to finish.

“Stop waking up to eat with me if it’s such a chore for you, you don’t have to do it because neither of us has been gaining anything out of it for the past weeks.”

Jaebeom’s glare grew colder as he nods indifferently.

“Fine if that’s what you want.”

And with that Jaebeom’s figure retreats back to their bedroom.

But he doesn’t falter.

He thinks if Jaebeom can find better things to do with his time before they both head to work, then let him have at it. Who the hell is he to stop him?

True to his word Jaebeom doesn’t eat with him.

Not the first day after or the second. By the third he decides that there is no point in sticking around in the morning to cook. He’ll eat on his own when he gets the time to. So he heads to work with an empty stomach and a head that hurts so much that it throbbed against his skull painfully.

A part of him expected Jaebeom to stick to his word because Jaebeom was always like that, stubborn in that awful way, but the fact that he did it told him how little it mattered to Jaebeom in the first place. He had distracted himself so much from truly thinking about it that it that didn’t make him cry, not yet at least, because sadly enough he was getting used to this side of Jaebeom now, this Jaebeom that could easily hurt him with any little thing that he said and did.

He went through the week meekly.

It was only when his dongsaengs Yugyeom and BamBam asked him to meet up for lunch on Friday did he have something to look forward to.

He agreed and they met in a little restaurant.

They ate in peace for a while until BamBam asked “So how are you and Jaebeom hyung?”

He paused at that right in time to catch Yugyeom elbowing BamBam with a glare on his face that said to shut up. BamBam whelped and returned the glare to Yugyeom and then turned back to him with raised eyebrows and a pointed look as though to say continue.

Their friends knew. Of course they knew. It was hard not as they were all very close, same as it was hard not to pick a side.

It wasn’t like any of their friends blatantly came out and say I support Jaebeom on this, or I support you on this, but he just felt it in the atmosphere that surrounded them when they managed to meet up right around the time when the fighting started. And it confused him, not that he’d judged them on fickle loyalty because he wouldn’t call it that, they were adults with minds of their own and none of them had in anyway made him feel as though they weren’t his friends anymore or judged him because he was fighting with their hyung, but the fact that they knew when he himself was only then figuring out what was happening between them, stunned him.

Then it dawned on him that Jaebeom must’ve talked with either one or two of them which he had later confirmed were Youngjae-ah and Mark hyung. He didn’t judge them if they held an opinion on the matter, and for all that was happening between the two he didn’t judge Jaebeom on that matter either because despite himself he knew it must’ve taken a lot out of Jaebeom to talk about such private matters with someone else, but what made him angry was that Jaebeom found the courage to talk to someone else when he could’ve used that courage to tell him whatever harsh truth to his face instead of hurting him repeatedly by dragging it out.

But in time too he learned to open up, to his parents, sisters and then slowly, Yugyeom, BamBam and Jackson. He didn’t tell the others because he didn’t want them to feel conflicted with his thoughts and Jaebeom’s.

So that was how the two before him knew how he felt.

He braved a face for them as he shrugged. There wasn’t anything to add, they knew it all. After some silence Yugyeom clapped his hands together as he thought of something.

“Let’s all go out together.”

“Are you serious didn’t you just hear what he said, things aren’t great now.” BamBam pitched in immediately.

“Yes I know but think about it, you guys live together but you don’t get to spend as much time together and when you do it’s spent fighting-”

“Which.” BamBam started. “Is exactly why you shouldn’t intervene.”

“Shut up Bam, let me speak!”

He smiled weakly at the two.

“So as I was saying. Maybe you guys should go out.”

“So why can’t they do that on their own?”

“Bam!”

“What?”

“If you guys go out alone it would be a damper on the night because neither of you especially like each other now right?”

Those words stung him but he tried his best to smile and nod.

“Good then how about you guys go out with the rest of us, that way we can be a buffer so you won’t be as caught up with just you two. That would you know… create a good mood.”

He lets that sink in for a second as he thinks about it.

“Or we can all just go to the club.” BamBam continued with a knowing smirk.

“That too.” Yugyeom added.

“The perfect atmosphere man, you just have to dress up, you know, do your thing and he’d be too out of it to remember he’s angry.”

He laughed loud at those words but even that felt foreign to his ears.

He knew that wasn’t all it took to settle things between him and Jaebeom and he knew those two were aware of that too, because whatever it was that was happening felt as though it ran deep and everyone including him wanted it all to go away, so he entertained them and their little idea although he doubts that it would work. Nevertheless they agree to go out to dinner the same night and maybe if they’re up for it they’ll all go to the club afterward.

He stops to think if Jaebeom would be busy with his producing crew Offshore.

Usually weekends were meant for the two of them but with the way things were he doesn’t know if Jaebeom has made other plans. The thought of that though makes his heart sink a little because even if they no longer go out or talk much for the past three weeks at least they still spent the weekends in, each doing his own thing or at the very least sitting on the couch together albeit much farther apart than they’re used to, watching a film or some drama. He feared that if anything else changed like the breakfast routine that they had since forever, he would finally accept that he was losing Jaebeom.

So he asks them not to say anything just yet in the group chat. He’ll message Jaebeom first to ask if he has the time. He doesn’t call because he’s afraid of hearing that indifferent tone that Jaebeom had been using for the past few weeks. He’s afraid that it would discourage him and crush the little hope that started to spark in his chest, despite himself.

So he texts him.

‘Hyung are you available tonight?’

He waits a little for the response before it comes.

‘Yes as always.’ That makes him sigh in relief. But then he feels stupid, because this is what they have come to now.

He still asks any way.

‘Do you mind hanging out with the guys tonight? We were thinking of going out to dinner.’

‘Oh. I didn’t see it mentioned in the group chat.’

He rolled his eyes in irritation, of course leave it to Jaebeom to be practical.

‘No it wasn’t mentioned, not yet, so are you up for it or not?’

‘Well why won’t I be? Will everyone be there?’

‘Let’s hope so.'

‘Is that all?’

‘Yes. We’ll decide on a time in the chat.’

‘Ok.’ He doesn’t respond to that and instead starts asking in the chat if everyone is up to it. It takes a bit of shuffling around of everyone’s schedules but eventually they all agree and the time and place is set for tonight.

He parted ways with Yugyeom and BamBam soon after.

When he got home he quickly tried to pull a decent outfit together for the night just in case they decide to do more than dinner. It’s been a while since he dressed up nicely to go anywhere because of how busy their lives were, so he decided to make an extra effort. He doesn’t know how much of it will be appreciated, but he had already made up his mind on his way home that if things don’t go the way he wants it to, at the very least he’ll get to see all of their friends together so he plans to have at least a good night.

In retrospect it may seem that he always needs Jaebeom by his side to live a little, to laugh and enjoy his life the way anyone else would, that may be the case on a large scale but he refuses for it to remain that way. Besides he already made the decision to leave for the weekend and visit his parents in case they end up arguing again. He doesn’t think he wants to be locked up with an angry Jaebeom if their plans go to Mayhem.

By seven he’s dressed and waiting for Jaebeom to return home. The time passes painfully. When half an hour comes and goes with just an hour left to their agreed time with no Jaebeom in sight, he is tempted to call him like he used to, to find out what’s taking him so long.

But he doesn’t.

Jaebeom was always prone to being late no matter how hard he tried not to be; it was something he grew to accept. It was a bad habit yes, but it was one that he was never found to be particularly annoyed by because at the end of the day it was Jaebeom’s bad habit and no one else’s. With Jaebeom he could deal with any of his shortcomings. That was the sort of love that he had for him.

But now his tardiness makes him roll his eyes in annoyance.

When another fifteen minutes rolls by and the chat starts going off as everyone leaves their home to get to the restaurant, he grows more impatient as Jaebeom didn’t even get home as yet.

But then a message pops up in the chat that has him so stunned for several seconds he isn’t sure if he was breathing in that moment.

‘Here already. Waiting on you guys.’

That was Jaebeom’s message.

It takes a minute for him to register what he just read. What pulls him out of his reverie is a call from the very person that has him in the stupor that he’s in.

He doesn’t quite know how to feel or react to what was happening.

There he was sitting like a fool waiting for his _husband_ to get home so that they can meet their friends together.

Jaebeom was officially the biggest asshole that he’s met in his entire life.

And that’s exactly why he answers the call, so that he could give him a piece of his mind and tell him exactly that.

“You’re some asshole you know.” He starts before Jaebeom gets a chance to speak. “Oh I’m waiting on you guys! So what about me huh? Was I expected to sit here like a fool all night waiting for you to come home? Not even a damn phone call or text to say that you can’t make it. What the hell do you take me for?”

It seemed like his outburst had done well to stun Jaebeom as there is silence on the other end. But he doesn’t care. Now that what had happened finally dawned on him after his outburst, he feels his heart clench, quite literally. It hurts so much to know that Jaebeom now thinks so little of him and his time and effort.

It makes him question what is it that he could’ve done to his husband to make him hate him this much. Because that is his only conclusion now, what else would be the reason for Jaebeom’s actions?

He doesn’t wait for a response anymore and instead ends the call. He gets up and paces the apartment. His heart is beating wildly in his chest out of anxiety.

Does Jaebeom really hate him now?

Is he losing his husband?

Their marriage, everything would be gone in just the span of two years. He’ll lose his best friend.

The thought of those things makes his mind race and he wrings his hand out of anxiousness. He doesn’t quite know when it happens but his breathing increases rapidly as his breaths come in short. He has to stop, sit and breathe deeply. Again and again. His eyes sting as tears make their entrance and cloud his vision. He sits there and stare as one horrible possibility after the other crowd his mind.

He’s so far gone that he flinches when the phone rings again. He’s about to cut it off when he sees its Yugyeom calling. Then he remembers he’s actually meant to be somewhere in that moment but he isn’t sure he’s up for it anymore.

“Hyung it’s me.” Yugyeom’s cheery voice rang through the speaker.

“I’m downstairs waiting on you.”

What?

That confuses him for a second.

“Why are you downstairs?”

“Are you not ready? Wait hyung, are you okay, you sound a bit off.”

“I’m fine but I don’t feel like going anymore Gyeom-ah.”

“What? Hyung you promised. Bam are you hearing this? He doesn’t want to go.”

“Is BamBam-ah there with you?”

He hears shuffling in the background before BamBam starts speaking.

“Oh come on hyung, you made us dress up for this.”

He smiles slightly at those words, imagining a glammed out BamBam who always took fashion seriously.

“Me? Are you sure you won’t do that on your own.”

“Of course I do, but I put a little extra effort tonight.”

“Hmmm I wonder who you did that for?”

“Don’t try to change the topic hyung.”

“Am I?”

Was he?

“Yes! Come on man, didn’t we have a plan?”

He sighed as he thought back to that afternoon. It seemed so stupid now to think that simply going out with friends was going to result in any change in their situation. Even if it was minuscule and not important in the long run he would’ve gladly accepted any feedback.

But in some ways he did get a change, one for the worst though, so he doesn’t see the point in prolonging the night any further. Who knows what other horrors he’ll encounter.

So he tries to say as much to his dongsaengs. “I know and I’m sorry that I wasted your time like that but I really don’t feel up for it anymore, at least not tonight.”

This was supposed to be the part where they empathize and say kind words to cheer him up and actually leave him be to wallow on his own but it seemed like the night was young and so were their patience and persistence because he heard both BamBam and Yugyeom start protesting at once.

“Hyung are you serious, how often do all of us get to hang out? The fact that we even managed to set a time at the last minute like this is really dumb luck and you’re saying you want to miss out on it?” Yugyeom whined into the phone.

Although he really was not up for it, the pair did have a point.

“Since when did you two get so smart?” He says warily as he caves in.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear you say that.” BamBam defended right away which made them all laugh. “So you’re coming?”

“Alright I’ll be down in a second.”

“Good, we’re waiting.”

“But can you do me a favor?”

“Sure what’s up?”

“Uhm if I want to leave a bit early just in case, can you guys drop me home? I won’t want to call a taxi there, that would only make things weird.”

“Sure no problem hyung.” Yugyeom voiced in the background.

“Good thanks. I’ll be down soon.” He rushes into their bedroom to quickly change his shirt into something simpler because he no longer has any desire to dress up to please anyone. Call it petty or whatever, but if that’s what he had to be then fine. Jaebeom had pissed him off with that move that he made earlier.

His temper was that of a thin thread so if Jaebeom wasn’t careful it would fall apart.

When he finally meets the two again, the journey to the restaurant isn’t too long and before they knew it, they were already pulling into the parking lot. He doesn’t know what to expect of the night anymore.

Every good expectation was flushed down the drain by Jaebeom. He on the other hand was still angry although he tried his best to calm himself down and not appear to be that way. As much as their friends were meant to be buffers for the evening so that they’ll have a good night, he’d hate to make them uncomfortable because he couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

So he clenched his fists as they head to the restaurant’s entrance to relieve some of his anger. There were just so many reasons too besides his friends why he shouldn’t lash out and speak his mind, one of them being that it would be plainly unethical as this was a public place and two, he’d only embarrass himself and his friends, so it was best not to let anger get the best of him.

Deep breaths in, deep breaths out.

They made their way in and were greeted by the four; Mark, Youngjae, Jackson and Jaebeom, who greeted them with a series of hellos and whats up. He greeted everyone with a smile and purposeful hug for Jackson who was always clingy to him as it was something that he was already used to. It made it easier for him to smile and laugh with his friend especially when he hadn’t looked in Jaebeom’s direction as yet.

But he could feel his eyes on him.

That piercing gaze that usually made him flush in embarrassment for such devoted attention. Now it follows him in that same way but it only makes his skin prickle from unwanted heat. He clears his throat and braces himself mentally as his eyes finally flickered over to his husband. Jaebeom’s face is once again neutral as their eyes meet for the first time that night. He feels his gaze harden a bit at that indifferent gaze as though this man wasn’t breaking his world apart.

Jaebeom clears his throat and slides down further on the seat, leaving room for him to sit as that was expected from the two. He wants to roll his eyes at that as he finally takes his seat, because he knows that if not for his friends they wouldn’t have to sit this close and pretend.

Pretend.

This is exactly what they’re doing.

They are pretending.

Having known each other for most of their lives and were happily married for two years, Jinyoung and Jaebeom have reached the point where they have to pretend in the face of the company that they trusted the most. The irony of it makes him want to laugh sadistically.

This is what they’ve come to.

He doesn’t think he has it in him to look in Jaebeom’s direction for the rest of the night, and it seems like they share the same sentiment as Jaebeom starts talking with Youngjae quietly.

“So you guys ready to order?” Mark asked when they finished scanning the menu.

“Yeah I’m ready, but for some reason I could eat some chicken wings.” BamBam said as he scrutinized the laminated menu.

“That’s not on the menu Bam” Yugyeom pointed out innocently.

That makes BamBam snort.

Jackson started at that. “When have you known him to be anything but extra? He would go to a noodle shop and still ask for Lasagna.”

“Man what the hell!” BamBam tried to defend himself.

That caused the entire table to laugh at their crazy friend, himself including but Jaebeom doesn’t. He sees through his peripheral vision that Jaebeom’s expression remains the same.

Neutral.

Good.

He wanted him to suffer a bit too if that was what he was doing, although he didn’t know why he even would when he was the one causing the rift between them.

When the time came to order he barely managed to select a dish as his appetite was especially poor. He felt Jaebeom’s eyes on him again as he placed his order. It makes him wonder if he had said something wrong or ordered something he didn’t like eating.

The waiter had already taken back their menus so he couldn’t see what was available and because he didn’t pay attention to the words that slipped from his mouth, he didn’t remember either.

It makes him remember a time before this, several years ago when they were in college, in a restaurant similar to this, they had met up to eat. They were new to being a couple then and had just taken the weekend off to meet as per their usual, but having been at the early stages of the relationship, this aspect of things were still fairly new. It took them a while to decide if they were on a date or if they were just hanging out as they always did.

You’re supposed to hold hands if you’re willing to brave the public’s eyes maybe even kiss out in the open when you’re on a date, but unfortunately for two men none of those options were available unless you were willingly to be openly judged and condemn by those around you, which no, they most certainly didn’t want to. Their time together was short and they wanted to enjoy the others company even if it meant just hanging out without too much physical contact. He was fine with that, as long as he had Jaebeom with him.

He grinned as Jaebeom choked on the water that he was sipping. “You did that Jinyoungie?”

Jaebeom’s eyes were wide with fondness and amazement, and it made his heart flutter at the sight.

“Of course hyung, don’t you think he deserved it?”

He eyed him as he bit his lips. Jaebeom’s attention was immediately drawn to the plush, pink flesh that slid between his teeth. He saw him swallow hard at the sight before remembering where they were and clearing his throat. That made him do the same as he tried to stifle his desires.

They slept together twice and both times had been quite a learning session but hadn’t failed in the pleasure department. It had taken time for both of them to get used to the actual act of having sex with another man, but as soon as they got the hang of it, it was easier to learn together and from each other, making it easier to move forward. Now at times it was all he could think about and Jaebeom was very much the same, maybe even more than him.

Jaebeom was expressive in that intimate way that was made for him and him only. He knew that to be true because Jaebeom never said and did the things he did with him with anyone else. It was especially reserved for him alone, Park Jinyoung. So it was difficult for them to be in such close proximity of each other and not touch the other the way they craved to so badly.

Dinner was clearly a bad idea.

Jaebeom’s eyes met his and the desire there was so innate it made him want to groan. “Stop.” Jaebeom’s voice was deep and slightly husky as he whispered.

“What?” He asked as he focused his attention on the Greek god sitting besides him.

“Your lips. Stopping biting your lips.” That caused his eyes to widen a bit and his hands moved to pull at the soft flesh there. Jaebeom’s eyes followed his movements faithfully as though he was hypnotized by his every move. That sparked the excitement in him more as he decided to push the boundary a little.

He leans over a little to him and whispers.

“Why hyung? Does it bother you?”

If it were possible he knew Jaebeom would growl at those words, but instead he watches him close his eyes and breathe deeply, which only causes him to laugh more as he sits up straight.

“It’s so easy to rile you up.” He says as he sips his own water.

“Hmmm you really enjoying doing that don’t you?” Jaebeom asked, looking at him with eyes that were less intense than a few seconds ago.

“What can I say? It’s not like you don’t enjoy it.”

“Hmmm maybe I do. A bit too much though.” Jaebeom admitted after some quite serious contemplation.

“So are you a masochist now? Should I do this often?”

“You’re acting like I’m not at your mercy either way.”

He smiled at those words and the waiter comes over at the same time to take their orders. He doesn’t bother to check the menu again and just orders the first thing that came to mind. But he’s hardly focused on that, instead all of his attention is centered on Jaebeom. It was only as their food is served does he remember what he ordered. But in the end they split the food like they always did.

Jaebeom doesn’t even need to be his boyfriend for him to do that. It just comes naturally.

He smiles faintly at that memory now.

Conversation moves around him and he engages with one friend after the other until the food arrives. Bowls of dishes crowd the table and soon they all dive in.

If anyone notices that he doesn’t look in Jaebeom’s direction as they eat, they don’t mention it and he appreciates them so much for that. Yugyeom was right, having them there was a buffer between him and Jaebeom and although he was still harboring anger beneath his cool exterior he was feeling a bit more at ease with their friends there. They all don’t get together as often as they’d like.

They were still eating when Jaebeom excused himself to go to the washroom. He noticed that he hadn’t eaten much but he moved quietly out of the seat to give him way, not once looking him in the eyes.

The eating and chatting continued as before but as a few minutes passed with Jaebeom still in the washroom, his natural instinct when it came to anything Jaebeom related was to get up and see what was taking him that long but of course he decided not to in the end because again he wanted to be petty, Youngjae on the other hand had other plans.

“Hyung you don’t want to check and see what Jaebeom hyung is up to in there? He’s been in there a while.”

Youngjae cocks his head a little with a familiar look in his eyes as though he was somehow telling him that that is your husband, shouldn’t you be concerned. He wanted scoff at the mere audacity. The question however appeared to be a simple one in passing but had somehow managed to get the attention of everyone as they all turned their heads from Youngjae to him. But Jackson was quick as he played it off as a joke.

“Is his alcohol tolerance getting worse? You better go check and see if he’s not puking his guts out in there.”

That causes most of them to chuckle except him and Youngjae who was looking at him warily, because they both knew Jaebeom hadn’t touched the bottle of soju since the night has started. He didn’t have to look closely at his husband to know this. But he still wanted to roll his eyes at the other man who clearly had set expectations of him as he was his hyung’s partner.

The thought of Youngjae being such a great friend was something that he always admired as it was endearing to know that someone cared so much about another person even if it was brotherly love but now that he was on the receiving end of a disapproving Youngjae his lips pulled tightly into a frown as he finally got up and made his way to the washroom.

He didn’t know what to do or expect when he got there. Two other men were there but there was no Jaebeom in sight. He moved to wash his hands to give himself something to do as they finished their business and left. When they were gone he turned the tap off and faced the stalls. They all seemed to be empty except one. So he clears his throat and calls out.

“Hyung are you okay?”

His voice is sturdy so it comes out a bit harsher than he intended but he doesn’t try to make up for it. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he does, so so much, but he has to steel his heart when it comes to Jaebeom now. That is something he has never thought that he would ever have to do. But here they are. Jaebeom’s voice is hoarse as he replies.

“I’m fine, I’ll be out in a minute.” He hesitates at that as the sound of Jaebeom’s voice makes his heartbeat quicken in worry. He inches closer to the stall but tries to keep his voice calm as he persists.

“What’s wrong hyung?”

He hears Jaebeom sigh before he says. “My head’s just dizzy, that’s all.”

Why is your head dizzy, is his first thought as soon as the words are spoken. It makes him contemplate if to grill him further, but in the end he decides against it. As much as he is worried, he doesn’t want to forgive him that easily and he isn’t even sure if Jaebeom wants him to be there right now. For all he knows maybe Jaebeom doesn’t want him to disturb him.

“Well we’re outside if you need anyone of us.” He says in the end.

When he doesn’t get a response he turns to leave but Jaebeom calls out to him again. “Jinyoungie” It makes him pause as his heart clench at that word. Jaebeom hasn’t called him that name in a while. How could he when all they do is argue? Now he is just Jinyoung.

“Don’t go please.” Jaebeom’s voice trailed off.

He stiffened momentarily at hearing the slightly shaky voice. His breath hitched at the sound. He doesn’t turn around but he doesn’t move either.

“What do you want?” He asks to give himself a plausible reason as to why he should stay, aside from the fact that Jaebeom is his husband.

He’s starting to see that that fact shouldn’t validate his every action even when he himself yearns to do the same. If he were to tell someone of what Jaebeom did earlier that day they probably won’t say it’s a big deal and in hindsight he knows it isn’t, of course he knows. But that action followed by the series of Jaebeom’s recent actions really hit him hard in heart and it hurts. So he doesn’t blame himself for having thoughts of not tolerating what is happening right now.

He doesn’t doubt for a second that Jaebeom may be dealing with something which makes him call out to him the way he used to, but he also knows that he can’t give in at the first sign of weakness.

There are simply no excuses for Jaebeom’s actions, at least not to his understanding.

He swallows hard as he waits for the response. He doesn’t hear one but instead the stall opens and Jaebeom walks out. He stands still not knowing what to expect. The room is quiet as he listens to Jaebeom’s breathing.

“Nothing.” Is Jaebeom’s word.

He stands there completely baffled.

What does that mean?

Jaebeom doesn’t clarify and instead walks past him to wash his hands. His eyes narrow as he watches Jaebeom’s broad shoulders lean over the sink. He looks in the mirror at their reflection, cautiously waiting for his husband to say anything else, but as Jaebeom rises from the sink and their eyes meet, he sees that familiar cold expression.

He looks away immediately.

What did he expect?

A warm welcoming Jaebeom?

What a fool he is.

That’s all he could think as walks out of the washroom without another word.

“He’s fine.” He tells the others. “Just a bit light headed.”

He drinks his remaining soju in one go before Jaebeom returns. It doesn’t change anything either way, his mood had only grown more sour in the span of two or so minutes.

Jaebeom doesn’t look at him either as he takes his seat.

Good. He’s fine, he can deal with this.

He braves the rest of the dinner for as long as he can and when he thinks he’s had enough he catches Yugyeom’s eyes and signals for them to go. Yugyeom then steps up and he says he and BamBam will leave early.

“Then I’ll go with you guys, since I’m beat too.” He says right after.

“Already?” Mark says in disbelief.

He gives a weak smile and then turns to Jaebeom and say “I’ll leave early ok?”

Jaebeom only nods so he smiles at the rest and of course hugs Jackson tightly and then the three of them leave.

On the journey home he makes up his mind to go to his parents. Yugyeom and BamBam don’t question him further because he doesn’t put up a front for them when they’re alone so they know that he’s not in a good mood. Clearly their attempt was a failure, but he thanked them for trying.

At home he wastes no time in grabbing a bag to start packing. He doesn’t even notice when the apartment door opens again until he hears Jaebeom walking into their bedroom. He figures the sight of clothes being packed away must’ve startled him because Jaebeom asked immediately “Where are you going?”

He notices that his voice sounds alarmed but he doesn’t have it in him to turn around and address Jaebeom. He knows that if he does, he would cave and not go anywhere. But Jaebeom doesn’t relent and comes closer to the bed and tries to catch his eyes as he asks again.

“Jinyoung where are you going?”

Finally he stops and throws the shirt in his hands back on the bed in frustration. “What is it to you hyung, huh? What is it? Do you suddenly care about me?” He is full on boiling now and he could feel the tears sting his eyes as the anger and sadness takes over his body. But Jaebeom only looks at him with a face clouded with confusion and it makes him want to scoff and cry at the same time.

What else could he possibly do?

He’d given this man, his husband everything, everything that he could possible afford to.

When did Jaebeom stop loving him?

Jaebeom steps closer to him and ask as quietly as possible. “What are you talking about?” He could hear the tremble in his voice but it only makes his heart clench further.

So he has to ask “Do you still want me here?” His own voice trembles as the words tumble out. “Because I can go.”

Jaebeom eyes widen but he doesn’t answer and that gives him the answer that he needs. With a scoff he picks up the rest of his things and shove it into his bag and picks that up too and begins to walk.

“J-jinyoungie.” He hears Jaebeom again. There is panic there but he doesn’t stop to turn around. He had already called a taxi earlier so he just walks and walks until he is out of the apartment. When he gets out he waits until the car arrives and then he’s going. He hadn’t intended to stay beyond the weekend but if Jaebeom doesn’t want him there, then what was the point of staying or returning.

He doesn’t know anymore.

In the back of the cab as it races through the night life of Seoul, he feels the tears cascade down his cheeks.

Bitter and painful.

A perfect beginning with a disastrous ending.


	2. Depths of my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'If you give someone a knife and tell them to stab you, should you be angry when they do?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another heavy chapter up ahead :)

He stops at the door of their apartment and takes a deep breath.

His feet are sore and cramped and his shoulders are heavy from being cooped up all day as he worked continuously through the long hours. His body is exhausted and his eyes throb painfully in his head, a steady rhythm against his skull.

He’s gotten used to this pain; in fact he welcomes it because without the steady ache keeping him harshly grounded in reality, he’d crumble fast and miserably at the great odds set before him. So it keeps him together, his broken pieces held by a torturous glue.

But he supposes the true torture isn’t his physical pain, it never was. The true pain lied within a broken heart and his fragmented emotions. It’s the real weapon that is stabbing him continuously, daily and deeply, leaving him bare and exposed.

He never thought the day would come when the man he loves the most, the man he devoted his life to, the man he swore to protect and to make happy for the rest of his life would be the one to hurt him as much as he was already hurting himself.

The worst pain they say does not come from the hands of an enemy but rather from the hands of the person you love the most. Now that he lives to see the days in which Jinyoung stops loving him, he believes those words to be true.

He isn’t just losing Jinyoung; it feels like Jinyoung isn’t his anymore, because Jinyoung doesn’t want to be his anymore.

But he deserves it, this he does know.

That makes him release a shaky breath as he opens the door to the apartment. It’s well into the morning, sometime around one, so he shuffles around as quietly as possible. It’s a habit he’s gotten used to when he returns from work really late, although he admits these days he comes home later than usual. It’s not something he wants to do but for the greater good of him and as a feeble attempt to protect his heart, he decided to work the extra hours so that he’s out of Jinyoung’s way. His presence it seems is more irritating to Jinyoung in the past few weeks. They can’t even be in the same room anymore without a swirl of negative emotions rotating in the air making it even more difficult for him to breathe.

Slowly it seemed, Jinyoung drifted farther and farther away from him until he was way beyond his reach now. His finger tip it seems was barely brushing the skin there, the only contact that keeps them in touch.

So when he comes home the old habit of careful movements resurfaces but it’s no longer needed because unlike before his husband is already fast asleep. This he knows and confirms when he steps into their room.

It was never like that though before everything happened, Jinyoung always waited on him no matter the time, he’d hear him grumble because of his lateness so he’d try to coax him with soft words or at other times he’d be given a sweet kiss on the lips and then he’d return those kisses on the neck and shoulder and before they knew it, they’d both fall asleep.

But this Jinyoung doesn’t wait on him anymore. Jinyoung’s figure is unmoving as he lies on the bed.

He stifles a deep sigh and enters the bath.

The water feels cold against his skin as he stands beneath the shower. His mind races from one thing to the other. He doesn’t know for how long he can continue like this. It’s not that he wants to give up, that thought has never crossed his mind, he loves Jinyoung too deeply, too strongly to just let it all go and that’s why he’s there every day enduring it all, the short temper, cold gaze, absent touches, the cold shoulder, he takes it all in stride because heaven and hell would have to rip him apart from Jinyoung in order for him to let go of his destined person.

Turning away in spite of everything is never an option.

Not unless Jinyoung says so in his own words.

And that’s what killing him.

He feels as though he’s just waiting for the day that Jinyoung says he’s leaving. It makes him anxious and so scared that at times it is all he can think about. He fears to come home one day to an empty apartment to find that Jinyoung is gone.

Because it’s not a question or thought anymore, it feels more like a fact, a harsh truth. Jinyoung no longer loves him the way he used to before.

It’s precisely because of that he doesn’t know how long can he continue like this.

It seems like Jinyoung is dragging it out, like some sort of painful extortion to punish him and he is left hanging limply until Jinyoung will finally say he’s had enough of him and will eventually leave. The thought of that makes a tear slip from his eyes.

He’s scared of losing Jinyoung and everything that they’ve built together.

He is absolutely terrified.

But he’s angry too.

Angry at Jinyoung and angry at himself.

They had agreed a long time ago when it was easier to talk to each other, when the weight of their emotions and what they were for the other didn’t weigh them down to self-contained thoughts buried within their own minds, that they need not be the perfect pair that balanced the other.

They were just Jinyoung and Jaebeom and they were willing to accept whatever came with being just that.

That was the initial thought in theory and it was one that they held unto and maintained for so long, it was easier to divulge into each other, converging their persons slowly and effortlessly becoming more and more until there was nothing that separated them. They shared similar thoughts and views, developed similar habits and in the end created such a deep bond that seemed impenetrable at the sight that it made everyone point it out to them.

That’s your other half, they would tell him, you two are like two sides of a coin.

And he loved that so much.

To have found his person so early on in life was astonishing to him because Jinyoung to him is a beautiful soul, an exquisite art, a precious jade that brightens his dark world. So it was easy for them to test the boundaries and push their limits and so they became lovers, partners, husbands.

But that’s when it became harder.

It became less easy for him to open up and be completely reliant on Jinyoung because as it is Jinyoung is already an indulgent person when it comes to him. And that tore at his heart so many times. It felt like he was just taking and taking all of Jinyoung until it seemed that now he’d drained Jinyoung of everything that he had.

But that too was where it all started he thinks.

He tried his best to be his own person, a reliable husband and partner to the one that he loves the most. He needed to act responsibly and be the shoulder for Jinyoung to lean on, not the other way around especially given that Jinyoung had held him up so many times. He needed so desperately to be right, to act right the way and think the right away.

When they joined hands together and agreed to be the others keeper he made a decision then for it to be less about him and more about Jinyoung, because Jinyoung deserves that. That loyalty, devotion, love and understanding, Jinyoung deserves that in that same selfish way that Jinyoung loved to love.

So it became less about him and more about Jinyoung.

But that’s ok.

He could love himself less if it means giving more in the end.

So those thoughts consumed him and it made it harder to see himself, feel himself, be himself completely.

He remembers then a conversation he shared with Youngjae when he’d broken down after everything crashed into him and he couldn’t take it anymore and not wanting to trouble Jinyoung more than he already did, he turned to his friend. It had been an emotional conversation, one that took effort and drained him completely when it was done. Youngjae had asked him if loving Jinyoung the way he did became a problem.

The answer had been no, immediately.

But in some ways it was.

He had focused all of his attention on Jinyoung that he forgot to love himself too and that was something that he always struggled with.

But that was not Jinyoung’s fault and it didn’t mean that he loved Jinyoung any less. That was impossible; Jinyoung was the love of his life regardless of all of his own problems.

But because of his problems, his dark thoughts, his self-inflicted pain, because of everything that was wrong with him he could no longer recognize himself in the mirror and it was eating him from the inside out.

Now that he became this way, how could he face Jinyoung?

How could he be the man that Jinyoung deserves?

So it was easier, less hard to keep those thoughts buried beneath.

But maybe, he realizes because of his own withdrawal, Jinyoung withdrew too.

And that was the reality check that he needed.

But it had been too late and he no longer had the courage to face Jinyoung anymore. The worst part was it made him angry, at himself and at Jinyoung too, because it seems like Jinyoung didn’t fight harder, Jinyoung just allowed him to let go and eventually Jinyoung let go too. So it feels like Jinyoung has given up on him and that’s what hurts him the most.

Now they’re just shells of their former selves, holding unto the things that mattered the most, things they’re used to, the routines they’ve had, all of which are the only things connecting them to who they used to be. If they lose those things despite how trivial they may appear to be he’ll know that they’re finally, truly losing each other.

He doesn’t want to lose hope that one day it’ll be all better and there’s a small hope that Jinyoung feels the same. It’s small, its dim, but it’s still there. Because every day that he wakes and still sees Jinyoung at his side gives him hope.

Not wanting to stay too long in the shower he gets out, changes and crawls as quietly as possible into bed so as not to disturb Jinyoung. He doesn’t want him to throw a fit that late as he is already quite exhausted and doesn’t have the mental energy to endure Jinyoung’s cruel gaze and harsh words. Being physically and mentally fatigued makes it easier to fall into sleep quickly.

He misses though, wrapping his husband in his arms, tucking him away safely. Now he can’t imagine how angry Jinyoung would be if he were to try that.

So with unpleasant thoughts filling his mind he turns his back to his husband and falls into a restless sleep.

***

“Look at me.”

His voice is hoarse as he commands his husband to meet his eyes.

Jinyoung is pliant as the dilated pupils meet his immediately.

They’re naked, bodies pressed flush against each other in the dimly lit hotel room. He sees it then in those wide, innocent eyes, a glimpse of pure love radiating from within, heating them both up. It’s raw, strong and unfiltered that it makes his breath hitch for just a second as he gets lost in that feeling.

It is all he does before Jinyoung whispers so quietly he almost misses it.

“Kiss me.”

It’s easy then for his eyes to flicker to those soft, pink lips and almost on instinct he places his lips gently on them sucking softly on the sweet flesh there. They kiss for a while soft and kind, slowly building up and gaining speed.

Kissing Jinyoung was as beautiful a gift as it was natural. It was simple but intrinsic, sparking inside of him blue butterflies making his stomach coil in increased heat, slowly pooling into one spot making it harder and harder. His kissing then increased in speed and Jinyoung opened his mouth wide in kind as their tongues found each other, brushing together languidly as they explored each other’s heated caravan.

His hands too moved from Jinyoung’s face, moving slowly across Jinyoung’s body, massaging the sides and pinching the curves. It made Jinyoung moan out in pleasure as his hands travelled further down the body. Their lips moved faster now as the taste of Jinyoung drove him crazy. He moved to his neck, easily sucking there careful not to leave a mark while Jinyoung’s fingers found his hair, massaging there as he pleasured them both.

His kisses trail lower and lower as he licks Jinyoung’s collar bone biting there as Jinyoung jutted in pleasure. His lips finds Jinyoung’s nipples as he moves to take one in his mouth but Jinyoung pulls on his hair then and the feeling goes straight to his dick making it harder to restrain himself.

But Jinyoung’s lips are swollen when he looks up at them as they whisper, “Don’t hyung, I don’t want to cum just yet.”

It makes him smirk as he looks at his husband, lips still ghosting there teasingly. Jinyoung thugs again with a whine but without thought he engulfs the pink stub in his mouth while he massages the other with his hand. Jinyoung arches his back as a loud moan escape those swollen lips and his eyes too roll back in his head in undeniable pleasure.

He watches too, stuck in that moment as his husband loses himself.

On a good day he thinks he still has the taste of cum in his mouth when his body, sex deprived paired with his mind, construct such beautiful images and memories that it’s hard to believe that it’s not happening all over again. That immense pleasure, beautiful adoration and carefully created love all directed to him and for him too is unbelievable.

Jinyoung had loved him wholeheartedly.

Now he doesn’t allow his mind to dwell on those things anymore because he does not deserve it, but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

If you give someone a knife and tell them to stab you, should you be angry when they do?

Do you have that right to be angry?

No. You don’t, he thinks.

Jinyoung had been that knife that was so hesitant to comply but under such strong compulsion instructed by his dark mind, had done so anyway.

Because he deserves it.

So he locks the good things far away where no one but him can reach it.

Headspace.

He calls it the headspace because he does not have a professional name for it.

His thoughts fade in and out of consciousness like one would do when in a hazy dream like state. You’re neither asleep nor awake.

It scares him at times.

Sometimes he thinks he’s walks into a room, it’s narrow and dark and caves in on itself the further he walks but he keeps on walking nevertheless because in some ways it’s inevitable, like a pointed plank that he’s bound to jump off of.

A natural diver he is.

The best.

So he walks.

The walls on either side of him are brushing against his shoulders, grazing slowly on his skin, a clear warning for him to turn around.

"There’s nothing for you here " it whispers, hissing like a snake.

But he’s already submitted.

Now his life is like a black slate. On the outside is what Jinyoung sees, what he allows him to see, a polished surface that is spick and with little flaws, but if he allows Jinyoung to bend him a little, inspect him under a different light, then Jinyoung will be able see the deep digs and scratches caused my his own edges. His own problems.

So that’s why he walks, because he’s too ashamed to have Jinyoung see him like this. He’s too afraid to turn around. Jinyoung is happy, Jinyoung does not deserve to see this, to be tainted like this.

Because of that, it’s easier to be angry too. It helps him to think quickly and not be troubled by the fact that he’s losing Jinyoung.

That makes him wake up with a start.

His head is heavy and it weighs him down.

When he receives the email, he sits and contemplates. His mind is hazy as he fades in and out. This too is why it’s easier to work for hours on end and not think of anything outside the box of work. It’s easier to push that pain away and not think, just act. So he assesses the situation and the email now causing his head to throb painfully. It’s the physical exhaustion of the past weeks settling in on him without permission.

But it makes it easier to face Jinyoung this way. Hopeful that Jinyoung would accept it, a peace offering of some sorts, one that they both wanted so much when they discussed it. He wanted to hold his husband close to him and have him hear his thoughts in the place that they promised to be solely each other’s until death bids them part. It’s not a faint want, but an earning, a natural desire to open up now as he stares at the email.

This is it.

But he doesn’t dare intrude further on the longing and desire that he feels. Instead he watches from a far as it festers while he continues to wear his cool exterior.

Jinyoung had to want this too.

He knows deep down that he has no right to impose even in his mind such thoughts onto Jinyoung, because he knows Jinyoung is too much of a pure soul and when that pure soul is tainted with the negative energy that’s been reverberating from him lately, that pure soul will in turn slowly be poisoned like him.

But it’s also because of Jinyoung’s pure nature, his natural way of forgiving that he chances it and ups his expectations to the highest, forgetting that Jinyoung deserves better.

He mutters a good morning to his husband then when he leaves the room and eventually starts on coffee. He tries to clear his mind, pin pointing it to the good outcome he’s expecting that he pays little attention to the actual process. So in the midst of eating he says. “I received a confirmation email this morning from our Anniversary planner. She got the dates we agreed on.”

His heart beats fast in his chest after the words tumbled out.

There’s a pregnant pause and Jinyoung stops eating. He eyes him carefully, waiting for that good response but all he gets is a “Do you still want to go?”

The words confuse him for a millisecond and before he knows it he feels anger boil inside of him.

Looking back on that moment, he knew he was wrong.

When he’d managed to eat, clear his head and try to think clearly, he knew immediately he had stepped out of line.

Who was he to make Jinyoung seem like the bad person for not wanting to celebrate their anniversary? What was there for them to celebrate when they were both pushing each other away because of him? What was there to celebrate when Jinyoung didn’t love him the way he used to because he pushed him to? The thought was foolish but in the moment he didn’t think so. “I didn’t know we were putting it up for debate now!” He snaps.

He could see then when the irritation rose on Jinyoung’s face, and it angered him even more when Jinyoung belted out the words, “Oh really? You could fool me.”

He immediately grew heated without actually thinking of the actual words used to accuse him because all that in sticks in his mind is accusation and that stirs him up even more.

It’s one thing to know you’re wrong or a bit out of your debt in a situation but it’s another thing to have someone throw it back so carelessly in your face as though you aren’t already beating yourself up. So he flares up.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Jinyoung’s rebuttal is immediate as though it was planned from the start.

“Exactly what I just said.”

Jinyoung’s expression is cold now and it makes him even angrier.

“Oh so now celebrating our anniversary is questionable?”

But Jinyoung’s defense is again immediate.

“Oh believe me it’s no question to me but I sure as hell can’t speak on behalf of you.”

Again he doesn’t actually listen to Jinyoung’s words. Just the fact that Jinyoung is this angry makes him frustrated which seeped immediately into anger before he got a reign on his emotions. But in the recent weeks that’s how it’s been and in some ways he doesn’t blame Jinyoung but it doesn’t make holding back any easier either.

“Fuck you Jinyoung, why the hell would I even question that after we’ve planned it for so long?”

Jinyoung’s voice is sharp in response.

“Well I don’t know, like I said I can’t speak on behalf of you and with the way you’ve been acting lately how the hell am I supposed to know what you would or wouldn’t do!”

Those words strike him immediately.

“How I’ve been-”

No, he thinks.

He’s can’t do this just yet.

Those words he hears loud and clear and it’s like a force that’s telling him to accept his wrongs and accept what he did to them. And God knows that he has but he can’t confront it headfirst just yet.

“You know what I don’t need this. It’s too early and I have better things that I could be doing right now.”

He gets up to leave.

It’s harsh he knows immediately as the words leave his mouth, almost like a natural defense to not wanting to deal with his pain. But he can’t take it back even as he sees a glimpse of short lived pain flash across his husband’s face that makes his heart clench immediately.

To know that even if it’s faint and dim, Jinyoung still cared at least a bit, enough to be hurt, struck him hard, but what hurt the most was knowing that he after all this time was still hurting his husband so much.

He knew that if not unconsciously or in mere defense he does more than this, he’ll truly rip something from them, more than he already has.

And it’s almost as if that fate was written when Jinyoung says, “Well if you have such better things to do with your time stop doing this.”

He turns to Jinyoung and steel his heart for what’s about to come.

“Stop waking up to eat with me if it’s such a chore for you, you don’t have to do it because neither of us has been gaining anything out of it for the past weeks.”

Those words it seemed were so simple and would take so little effort to comply, but in all the days that they’ve been together as husbands so as long as they were under the same roof they always ate breakfast together. It had been Jinyoung’s request. One of the few. He never questioned why Jinyoung made the request because as it was it was easy to do, but as their days together increased he saw the importance and comfort from such a ‘trivial action’ that in time he couldn’t see himself not doing it, even as the arguments started they still ate together. But now Jinyoung is telling him to stop. His heart quite literally squeezed in realization but he nods anyway.

What right does he have to say otherwise?

He’s the one that brought it onto himself either way. So he gives in without question.

“Fine if that’s what you want.”

And he walks away.

Because that’s what he’s good at it it seems.

So he doesn’t try to impose himself any farther, he allows Jinyoung to have his space and stops eating breakfast with him.

***

“Hyung.”

Jinyoung’s voice whines through the speaker in playful impatience. “What’s taking you so long?”

He doesn’t bother to answer his best friend as he sees him from across the road, the familiar style of a white t-shirt tucked into khaki peach pants paired with black glasses greeting him.

He grins widely at the figure who is now pouting into his phone having stood there so long without spotting him. That causes Jinyoung to start whining again and he wants to snort at the sight. He had to give it to him, Jinyoung was indeed getting cuter. He won’t tell him that though, how would that conversation go over?

Instead he crosses the road and pokes the boy lightly on the back. Jinyoung of course jumps a little then turns and whacks him on the arm as though seeing that it’s him warranted a reason for sudden violence.

“You were literally nearby.”

“I told you I was only a few minutes away.” He says in deadpan as was the fact.

That however earns him another whack on the arm.

“A-ah ah ah stop hitting me, am I not here now?”

He rubbed his violated arm, eyes narrowing at Jinyoung playfully. Jinyoung though doesn’t even bother to entertain him further and starts walking. He follows immediately and Jinyoung naturally launches into an explanation on the plans of the day. It was nothing major, simply a literature seminar that Jinyoung’s university was hosting but they agreed to meet up beforehand so they would have more time to spend with each other as he had to return to his own campus to get work done.

They were both studying in different fields, him in music production and Jinyoung in Literature but it was never a problem for him to accompany Jinyoung to seminars once their schedules aligned like it did now.

The seminars are everything it should be, informative and interesting, but he finds more often than not when he attends these seminars his attention focuses more on Jinyoung and his reaction and responses to what is being discussed. It’s easier to learn that way, to listen to Jinyoung’s comprehension of a topic being broken into bits and pieces until it becomes manageable. Jinyoung is animated while speaking, eyes concentrated, trying to make him understand. It’s endearing and gratifying at the set time, to see his closest friend immersed in something so passionately.

For a fleeting second he wants Jinyoung to look at him the same way but immediately he pushes those thoughts away.

Absurd.

Now though as he sits in his studio after a rather challenging week that followed the series of rather challenging weeks with his now husband Jinyoung, he wishes again for Jinyoung to look at him with such devotion for a mere second, even if it’s significantly less, he needs it to be less because like a leech attached to his skin, the thought stays there as a reminder.

You don’t deserve that devotion anymore.

But maybe some higher power took sympathy on him and knew that he needed something positive to happen or he might have convulsed with all the dark thoughts taking residence in his head, so against all odds Jinyoung texted him.

‘Hyung are you available tonight?’

It makes him pause from his work.

Weekends were always dedicated to them he thought, although they’ve admittedly done nothing together for the past few weeks for reasons he still refuses to dive into just yet, but aside from that why won’t he be.

So he responds with ‘Yes as Always.’ His heart it seems naturally quickening in anticipation for the reply.

He thinks as he sees the response coming in that he could look forward to an evening with his husband. He doesn’t know why Jinyoung suddenly wants to try again but the excitement, though small is there, like a sudden spark of fire within his chest. Maybe if he plays his card right it’ll be a good night, not perfect he knows, but much better than the ones they’ve been having. So he allows himself to hope.

‘Do you mind hanging out with the guys tonight? We were thinking of going out to dinner.’

It’s not what he immediately expected but he was just about to agree nevertheless because it is better than nothing, but then he tries to recall though if it was mentioned in chat and he didn’t happen to notice, maybe that’s why Jinyoung is suddenly asking, because despite being buried beneath everything wrong in his life, simple things such as a text from his friends keeps him afloat, long enough to breathe the steady air. So keeping up with them was something that he deemed necessary as he was also the second oldest among them.

As their hyung, it would be irresponsible to not keep up with them.

And so he responds ‘Oh I didn’t see it in the chat.’

The response is immediate and sharp.

‘No it wasn’t mentioned, not yet, so are you up for it or not?’

Jinyoung is quick witted and easily tempered and so he knows immediately he’s tipping the iceberg a bit in replying ‘Well why won’t I be? Will everyone be there?’

‘Lets hope so.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Yes we’ll decide on a time in the chat.’

‘Ok.’

And that’s it.

It’s easy to fall into anticipation and expectations that drives him over the edge, but if not throughout his whole life, in the past few weeks he’s learned that in spite of everything that’s occurring, both good and bad, life goes on.

It wouldn’t matter if you’re thrown off a cliff and suffer a few broken bones, you’d still have to get up and return to work eventually. Because life is like that.

So in spite of his troubles, his challenges and difficulties he’s managed to keep a straight mind outside of his home, away from his family and away from the man that he loves.

So he slips back into work mode, trying his best to get what was needed done before the time comes. As always he loses himself in his work, something he remembers Jinyoung had said once, becoming jealous in his drunken possessive state that he Jaebeom was undeniably married to his work.

They had laughed it off as a comment that need not be reviewed. It seemed like they both forgot then that the words of a drunken man were the thoughts of a sober mind.

So he wonders now if that was how Jinyoung truly felt as he looks at the clock and sees that the hours slipped by before him. He mutters out a ‘shit’ as he tries to close things off at the studio.

On his way out he stops to think or more so reason if it’s worth going back home all the way home to change or just get to the restaurant in time.

He doesn’t know if Jinyoung is waiting on him at home, there was a time when he knew that to be a fact not just a simple thought or wonder, but he supposes there’s no point in dwelling on the bad tonight just yet.

So without thought he remembers that the two youngest among their friends lived around their neighborhood, so with quick actions he asked them to pick his husband up as the journey back and forth makes little sense. The two agreed of course and he gets to the venue in time to meet a beaming Youngjae.

“Hyung it’s been too long.” Youngjae greets him with a hug.

The last time they were able to really talk with each other had been weeks back when he’d broken down and cried in front of his helpless dongsaeng. But Youngjae it seems blessed with the power of light and all things good, guided him the best way he knew how to, steering him in the right direction. All that was left now was for him to find that courage again to try and have that same conversation with his husband.

How will he do that now that they’ve exhausted themselves and their resources?

He does not know.

But Youngjae hugs him tightly, squeezing him dearly as a subtle reminder that he’s there. He returns the hug and they sit. They talk quietly, carefully threading on light topics so as not to disrupt the atmosphere, but it’s like a second nature too to Youngjae to dive deep into things as he tried to make sense of it and so inevitably Jinyoung comes up.

He immediately pauses.

At first because he doesn’t know how to approach the topic of what was happening between the two again, especially considering that they were about to have dinner together with their friends after weeks of fighting, and secondly because the name immediately reminded him that he did not tell Jinyoung he wouldn’t pick him up, just in case he expected him to.

So naturally he calls.

Looking back on the night however, part of him wished he had done things differently, maybe call his husband first, maybe even go home and risk having them being late, hell he even contemplated if work could’ve kept him away from all of this would the night have turned out differently.

Immediately as the phone picks up the shouting starts.

He doesn’t catch most of it but it’s like a puncture on his lungs and suddenly it’s all he can hear and see. Anger splayed across Jinyoung’s beautiful face as he lashed out at him. It’s sudden and harsh, like a hit that was quick but fatal.

He’s confused but then he isn’t. Because all that’s in his head are the words painted with blood, a scary mantra being repeated again and again.

You deserve it.

It doesn’t matter why Jinyoung is angry and it never will matter. What matters is that Jinyoung angry and it’s his fault. Youngjae tries to make him talk when the phone cuts off, but he just shakes his head, staring absently at nothing.

It doesn’t matter.

And it doesn’t matter even when everyone arrives.

Jinyoung is there with them.

It surprises him but then it doesn’t.

He’s feels numb.

But he’s trapped there with everyone, his eyes as wide as saucers as it follows Jinyoung, the man he’s now sure he’s losing, the man who now greets him with a harsh gaze.

He deserves it.

Dinner passes by in a blur.

He tries to eat but Jinyoung is right beside him and the thought makes him want to throw up, because he’s messed up in the head and he knows this. So he locks himself in the washroom and he empties his stomach.

It’s just heaving and heaving for a while.

There are other men in the washroom but they ignore him so he sits there and try to clear his head. After a while he hears them leave, but then he feels the knife digging into his flesh deeper when he hears Jinyoung, in a cold voice call out to him, “Hyung are you okay?”

It feels forced like Jinyoung doesn’t want to be there calling for him like a concerned husband would be, but he supposes then that may be the case. It makes him want to vomit even more. “I’m fine, I’ll be out in a minute.” Is his best response, because he doesn’t want to trouble Jinyoung any further.

But his voice chokes a little at those words and he feels tears sting his eyes a bit and something deep down inside him that knows that even if Jinyoung may hate him as a husband as was inevitable, he at least loved him as a person, once before this, so it’s that part of him that claws its way out, fights the demons inside his head willing him to submit, to call out for help. To call his “Jinyoungie?”

His voice is broken now, he sounds pathetic even as he mutters the pitiful words “Don’t go please.”

But Jinyoung’s voice is distant and far away as he asks him what he wants. And maybe that’s what it takes him to jump out of that moment of weakness as though cold water was splashed against his skin. So he doesn’t respond for a while and when he does he’s not surprised when he responds with “nothing”

Because for all he knows he cannot drag Jinyoung into this bottomless pit with him.

What would he be if he does that?

So he forced himself to act, to move and not think, for the fear of faltering again. Jinyoung it seems too remain passive and glares at him before leaving the washroom. And before long as he gaze at his pale features in the mirror, he leaves too.

Dinner rolls by it seems faster as the conversation moves around him. He doesn’t stop to talk much anymore. His face feels as blank as his current emotional state.

When Jinyoung tells him that he’s leaving he nods, barely registering those words, but like a moth drawn to a flame he follows immediately after, not because he has anything he wishes to say, but because that’s all that’s left to do.

He never would’ve imagined that he was going just in time to see his nightmare come through.

He stood at the door and watched as Jinyoung packed his clothes into a duffle bag. Steps fast and actions hurried. His heart clenched painfully in fear.

“What are you doing?”

His voice shakes as the words tumble out.

But Jinyoung doesn’t turn to him.

His body launches forward as he trembles in fear, trying to make his husband look at him, to offer an explanation although he knows none is needed.

Jinyoung is leaving.

His heart beats irregularly in his chest and skips one when his husband throws his shirt on their bed in evident frustration.

“What is it to you hyung, huh? What is it? Do you suddenly care about me?”

Those words to him are like pins and needles boring into his skin. Of fucking course I care about is his first thought as he stares in confusion at the man before him. How the hell was that questionable when every action and inaction of his was done with Jinyoung in mind because he loves him so fucking much it hurts.

So he doesn’t register what else Jinyoung is saying when those words alone leave him in stupor of clashing emotions.

How could Jinyoung not see that he loved him?

But Jinyoung starts walking and he feels his heart literally rise to his throat as he calls out in a broken voice. “Jinyoungie.”

But Jinyoung keeps walking.

And he’s left standing there, trembling as his husband walks out of his life.

He feels those walls now crushing him as he slowly stops breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you managed to read this far, thank you so much and bravo to you for braving that torture. I must say that writing this chapter was somewhat challenging as the idea of it was rampant in my mind but putting into words, constructing each sentence to coherently display those thoughts proved to be difficult, but I suppose writing or discussing in detail especially creatively such a topic is never easy, same as it's never easy to comprehend it in reality without professional help. So if I faltered anyway in delivering the depths of Jaebeom's mind to you, I truly apologize. I'm always available to provide further context or clarity that you may need. Again thank you so much for reading. Please leave your thoughts below.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, comments and kudos will be appreciated.


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